please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
