my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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