I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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