An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I had to cum in my sink.
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