I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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