can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
