awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
