we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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