I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
