There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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