11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
