She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
