If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
