Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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