At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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