Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
There's always time for handjobs
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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