May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
