when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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