Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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