Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
