hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
