Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
