You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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