Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
