You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
