You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
