You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
