I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
