party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
