Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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