Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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