She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize