She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
