The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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