I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize