I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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