I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
My ass is underappreciated
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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