wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
