then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
found the other keg... it's in the tree
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
We are all done wearing pants today
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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