I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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