nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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