i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
