Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Randomize
