I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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