(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
