So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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