if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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