Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
you never un-have a 4some
I just gargled with NyQuil
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
