I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
