Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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