there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
