Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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