a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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