I have demons in me.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
