Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
