and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Randomize
