i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
