The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
