genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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