How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
