Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
you told grandpa to call you daddy
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
