I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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