My sheets look like a crime scene.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Apparently you make a good broom.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
