We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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